Paedophile Raped by Puppy

Yesterday afternoon a very bizarre and possibly tragic incident occurred: A semi-notorious paedophile suffered the shock of his life when he himself was raped by a minor. If that is not strange enough, the minor turned out to be an eighteen-month-old Alsation.

The dog, whose name we may not disclose for legal reasons, attacked the paedophile at about 14:00 in his own back garden. When interviewed, the paedophile said that he was "devastated" that he would be the victim of such a heinous and unnatural act. He also expressed a considerable degree of anger, stating that, "What sickens me is that this puppy didn't suddenly act on an inexplicable attraction; dogs choose whom or what they are attracted to, and it's obvious that this canine had been wandering the streets for days as it chose its victim. Unfortunately for me, I was the choice."

The paedophile tried to struggle, but was subdued by means of repeated bites and scratches on his behind. He required seventeen stitches, but was lucky not to require eighteen. We interviewed the paedophile's neighbour, who simply snorted and said, "He got what he deserved." The dog's lawyer informed us that it would be impossible for us to interview his client; however, a local psychologist informs us that the dog's version of events may have been, "woof."

Police believe the dog may be part of a wider organisation. They have urged the public to come forward if they see any suspicious dogs roaming the streets in the afternoon. Sex pests have also been urged to turn themselves in so that they may be protected from potential attackers. Authorities are considering monitoring the website of the RSPCA in case the aforementioned organisation are using it to find and groom potential victims.