Paedophile Raped by Puppy

Yesterday afternoon a very bizarre and possibly tragic incident occurred: A semi-notorious paedophile suffered the shock of his life when he himself was raped by a minor. If that is not strange enough, the minor turned out to be an eighteen-month-old Alsation.

The dog, whose name we may not disclose for legal reasons, attacked the paedophile at about 14:00 in his own back garden. When interviewed, the paedophile said that he was "devastated" that he would be the victim of such a heinous and unnatural act. He also expressed a considerable degree of anger, stating that, "What sickens me is that this puppy didn't suddenly act on an inexplicable attraction; dogs choose whom or what they are attracted to, and it's obvious that this canine had been wandering the streets for days as it chose its victim. Unfortunately for me, I was the choice."

The paedophile tried to struggle, but was subdued by means of repeated bites and scratches on his behind. He required seventeen stitches, but was lucky not to require eighteen. We interviewed the paedophile's neighbour, who simply snorted and said, "He got what he deserved." The dog's lawyer informed us that it would be impossible for us to interview his client; however, a local psychologist informs us that the dog's version of events may have been, "woof."

Police believe the dog may be part of a wider organisation. They have urged the public to come forward if they see any suspicious dogs roaming the streets in the afternoon. Sex pests have also been urged to turn themselves in so that they may be protected from potential attackers. Authorities are considering monitoring the website of the RSPCA in case the aforementioned organisation are using it to find and groom potential victims.

Call to Ban Pelican Crossings

We see them on the high street. Sometimes we even hear them, listening to their high-pitched ranting against our will. Pelican crossings, better known as their recently-made-up street names, such as "beepers," "squawk squawk," and "legal-crossing" have existed as a nuisance and a danger to the public for years, and the government does absolutely nothing to stop them.

Sure, we have heard so-called law-abiding pedestrians defend these devices of death, often with lines such as "They help people to safely cross a road," or "Pelican crossings aren't dangerous," or even the peurile "if the crossing near my house were to be removed, my children would never be able to cross the road to get to school on time in a morning," but such people are deluded addicts whose opinions should never be considered, let alone trusted, because they do not coincide with my own.

As regards the first two defences, according to an anonymous source a man died just last week whilst using a pelican crossing. Other sources have informed me that the man was inebriated, he never pushed the button, and he stepped onto the road just as a bus was about to cross the crossing, but these are irrelevant red herrings at best. The fact is that a man died whilst using a pelican crossing. Whatever the circumstances, surely this is reason enough for us to petition the government to eradicate this evil.

Ah, I hear you shriek, but what about the children getting to school on time? Oh, please! If parents were really that committed to getting their children across a road for the sake of their so-called "education," they'd force the little brats to get a job in order to make money in order to have some bus fare. All we are doing by encouraging them to use pelican crossings is nurturing the early stages of a lamentable addiction.

What is most despicable is that police and teachers in our own country are advocating the use of pelican crossings -known as "peliphedrone" to the apparently more-educated amongst us- to an impressionable and vunerable age group. How many of future generations of human beings will have to die before somebody realises the mortal danger that peliphedrone poses?

Anybody who has any shred of morality will undoubtably do whatever it takes to persuade the government to illegalise peliphedrone before it's too late.