The Inevitable Fate of Humanity.

Having considered the possibility of a big, red, tempting button that, when pushed, would wipe out humanity, along with the fact that we are less than 2 years from 2012, I have been thinking that there is a significant probability that the world will end soon. Alternatively the world will continue to exist, but without life; it will be a dead planet.

But how could that be possible? It seems bizarre that the world will suddenly just end. Will there be a sudden, inexplicable mass-explosion? Unlikely. Will a meteor hit? There aren't any of any significant size due to get worryingly close to Earth in 2012. There is only one possibility, and that is this coming Halloween will be the beginning of the end.

Halloween, which may or may not be a bastardisation of Samhain (Sow-een) amalgamated with modern American culture, is the time when horrible, awful creatures terrorise the world at night. Some people call these creatures "children" although I am too politically correct to sour even the slimiest creature's feelings by labelling it as something so revolting and evil. Digressions aside, the point is that a variety of supernatural creatures will be unleashed upon our planet within less than a month.

But what will become of these creatures? How are they to bring about the end of the world (or, at least, the human race)? Sunlight causes vampires, ghouls, and other nasties to die a horrible, painful death as they burn to ashes. Moonlight is but reflected sunlight, and so the vampires have no hope of survival unless they hide away deep underground forever, which is impossible for them as they have to stalk the surface regularly, lest hunger overcomes them. Apropos, werewolves should be wolves during the day, more so at night, since it's the full Moon that transforms them, which means that more light reflected from it increases the chance of transformation. It is for this reason that the process of transformation for a werewolf from man to wolf is more likely during the day than at night.

Therefore, all the vampires vs. werewolf films are absolute unrealistic bollocks and impossible. It would be piles of ash where the vampires were within minutes, if it even got that far, and a bunch of werewolves prowling around most of the time. Sometimes (cloudy night, new Moon, etc) they'd be humans, but they'd be so unused to being in that condition that they'd get confused, start trying to claw open bags of Pedigree Chum, and be locked away in mental institutions deep underground. After this they'd remain perpetually human, forget they were werewolves, and so all memory of werewolves and vampires would be forgotten.

Consider this along with the suicide of Frankenstein's monster in the Arctic, along with the increasing efforts to dumb down society leading to mass starvation and a holocaust for the zombies, the goblins being too ashamed to show their faces in public after Troll 2, and it becomes feasible to suggest, in all sincerity, that Mr. Hyde will become the undisputed ruler of Earth by 2014. His reign will be one of despair and cruelty, with much death and suffering. The hospitals will be unable to cope, rebellion will break out, and there will be war.

The war will be so epic and bloody that medical supplies will be in short supply. People will rob ancient Egyptian tombs for extra bandages, but 'twill still not be enough. The mummies will get pissed off at their bandages being stolen, and so they will rise up and destroy humanity in an act of revenge. They will then return to perpetual slumber.

We have, therefore (and at last) justification to end this future of suffering and death by wiping out all life on Earth before this Halloween. Only by pushing the big, red, tempting button before October 31st can we hope to avoid the otherwise-inevitable catastrophe. It will be a swift death, and although many people who were living happy lives will perish, it will be the lesser of two evils and therefore better than the alternative scenario, in which all people will suffer constantly and without respite until death grants them eternal peace and freedom from the horror.

Of course, there is a slim chance that none of the above won't happen, but I doubt it. The real question is, if you could see the future (as I have), and all possible timelines demonstrate that the aforementioned apocalypse is inevitable, would you push the big, red, tempting button? Could you push it?

Fifa Announces New Rules for the World Cup

Rebellion amongst the French; the most ludicrous red card given in the tournament; a game that involved two sides acting out the football equivalent of La Battaglia di Algieri (a rather dull film that doesn't go either way); and the dreaded vuvuzelas - small wonder that Fifa has announced new rules for the remainder of the 2010 World Cup, effective immediately, lest the shambles that has effected multiple scenarios involving over-pampered men running and diving around whilst skilfully keeping their hairstyles and manicures intact result in the game of football being ridiculed.

The rules are as follows:

1) Due to England being unable to best an opponent they thought they'd overcome quickly and easily, the English team has been merged with the USA so that they may receive much-needed support after receiving much loss and humiliation.

2) It is to be expected that the French, being French, will again abandon the pitch at the first sign of aggression from their own side or another; for this reason it has been agreed that the French will allow the Germans into their hotel rooms after their next training session, where they will remain for the remainder of the tournament.

3) Despite attempts to remove them, financially challenged black natives of South Africa are still managing to appear in and around the stadium, thus reminding the players that there are worse things in life than not being able to afford five cars a week or having to actually sleep with their own wives. If the aforementioned group is found within ten miles of the stadium in future, they will be executed.

4) Because South Africa is a fair country, the executions mentioned in Item #3 will not be carried out until the accused have been subject to trial. The judge at these trials will be Stephane Lannoy, who refereed the game between Brazil and the Ivory Coast. Lannoy will also make up the entirety of the jury.

5) Unsolicited comments about fans to the cameras will be dealt with henceforth with a deduction in pay of 5% of daily earnings for a month; however, poor player performance on the pitch will affect neither the pay nor the potential contract of the player with companies such as Lynx and L'Oreal.

6) Because of letters of complaint from disappointed and sexually frustrated bees, vuvuzelas are to be banned. Anybody caught in possession of one will be exiled to Gaza by boat.

7) It has come to our attention that, after the game between England and Algeria, the Scots have taken an interest in the World Cup. Statistics show that the number of Scottish suicides that typically occur during this tournament have fallen by 67%. In celebration of this, haggis will be offered to spectators during the England vs. Slovenia game on Wednesday.

8) The New Zealand team will be allowed to invade the pitch and perform the Ka Mate at any time, provided they do so with the intent to make the Italians soil themselves.

9) Due to the importance of the World Cup, along with this being the first time the tournament has been held in South Africa, Nelson Mandela Day will be replaced by National Football Day, during which all citizens will be paid a thousand times the amount they actually earn (based on their performance in the work place).

It is the hope of Fifa that these rules will result in more sophisticated, more enjoyable, and more honourable displays during the remainder of this, the most important of challenges between men.

Paedophile Raped by Puppy

Yesterday afternoon a very bizarre and possibly tragic incident occurred: A semi-notorious paedophile suffered the shock of his life when he himself was raped by a minor. If that is not strange enough, the minor turned out to be an eighteen-month-old Alsation.

The dog, whose name we may not disclose for legal reasons, attacked the paedophile at about 14:00 in his own back garden. When interviewed, the paedophile said that he was "devastated" that he would be the victim of such a heinous and unnatural act. He also expressed a considerable degree of anger, stating that, "What sickens me is that this puppy didn't suddenly act on an inexplicable attraction; dogs choose whom or what they are attracted to, and it's obvious that this canine had been wandering the streets for days as it chose its victim. Unfortunately for me, I was the choice."

The paedophile tried to struggle, but was subdued by means of repeated bites and scratches on his behind. He required seventeen stitches, but was lucky not to require eighteen. We interviewed the paedophile's neighbour, who simply snorted and said, "He got what he deserved." The dog's lawyer informed us that it would be impossible for us to interview his client; however, a local psychologist informs us that the dog's version of events may have been, "woof."

Police believe the dog may be part of a wider organisation. They have urged the public to come forward if they see any suspicious dogs roaming the streets in the afternoon. Sex pests have also been urged to turn themselves in so that they may be protected from potential attackers. Authorities are considering monitoring the website of the RSPCA in case the aforementioned organisation are using it to find and groom potential victims.

Call to Ban Pelican Crossings

We see them on the high street. Sometimes we even hear them, listening to their high-pitched ranting against our will. Pelican crossings, better known as their recently-made-up street names, such as "beepers," "squawk squawk," and "legal-crossing" have existed as a nuisance and a danger to the public for years, and the government does absolutely nothing to stop them.

Sure, we have heard so-called law-abiding pedestrians defend these devices of death, often with lines such as "They help people to safely cross a road," or "Pelican crossings aren't dangerous," or even the peurile "if the crossing near my house were to be removed, my children would never be able to cross the road to get to school on time in a morning," but such people are deluded addicts whose opinions should never be considered, let alone trusted, because they do not coincide with my own.

As regards the first two defences, according to an anonymous source a man died just last week whilst using a pelican crossing. Other sources have informed me that the man was inebriated, he never pushed the button, and he stepped onto the road just as a bus was about to cross the crossing, but these are irrelevant red herrings at best. The fact is that a man died whilst using a pelican crossing. Whatever the circumstances, surely this is reason enough for us to petition the government to eradicate this evil.

Ah, I hear you shriek, but what about the children getting to school on time? Oh, please! If parents were really that committed to getting their children across a road for the sake of their so-called "education," they'd force the little brats to get a job in order to make money in order to have some bus fare. All we are doing by encouraging them to use pelican crossings is nurturing the early stages of a lamentable addiction.

What is most despicable is that police and teachers in our own country are advocating the use of pelican crossings -known as "peliphedrone" to the apparently more-educated amongst us- to an impressionable and vunerable age group. How many of future generations of human beings will have to die before somebody realises the mortal danger that peliphedrone poses?

Anybody who has any shred of morality will undoubtably do whatever it takes to persuade the government to illegalise peliphedrone before it's too late.