The rules are as follows:
1) Due to England being unable to best an opponent they thought they'd overcome quickly and easily, the English team has been merged with the USA so that they may receive much-needed support after receiving much loss and humiliation.
2) It is to be expected that the French, being French, will again abandon the pitch at the first sign of aggression from their own side or another; for this reason it has been agreed that the French will allow the Germans into their hotel rooms after their next training session, where they will remain for the remainder of the tournament.
3) Despite attempts to remove them, financially challenged black natives of South Africa are still managing to appear in and around the stadium, thus reminding the players that there are worse things in life than not being able to afford five cars a week or having to actually sleep with their own wives. If the aforementioned group is found within ten miles of the stadium in future, they will be executed.
4) Because South Africa is a fair country, the executions mentioned in Item #3 will not be carried out until the accused have been subject to trial. The judge at these trials will be Stephane Lannoy, who refereed the game between Brazil and the Ivory Coast. Lannoy will also make up the entirety of the jury.
5) Unsolicited comments about fans to the cameras will be dealt with henceforth with a deduction in pay of 5% of daily earnings for a month; however, poor player performance on the pitch will affect neither the pay nor the potential contract of the player with companies such as Lynx and L'Oreal.
6) Because of letters of complaint from disappointed and sexually frustrated bees, vuvuzelas are to be banned. Anybody caught in possession of one will be exiled to Gaza by boat.
7) It has come to our attention that, after the game between England and Algeria, the Scots have taken an interest in the World Cup. Statistics show that the number of Scottish suicides that typically occur during this tournament have fallen by 67%. In celebration of this, haggis will be offered to spectators during the England vs. Slovenia game on Wednesday.
8) The New Zealand team will be allowed to invade the pitch and perform the Ka Mate at any time, provided they do so with the intent to make the Italians soil themselves.
9) Due to the importance of the World Cup, along with this being the first time the tournament has been held in South Africa, Nelson Mandela Day will be replaced by National Football Day, during which all citizens will be paid a thousand times the amount they actually earn (based on their performance in the work place).
It is the hope of Fifa that these rules will result in more sophisticated, more enjoyable, and more honourable displays during the remainder of this, the most important of challenges between men.
